Thoughts on Suicide, Fear, and Life

I was basically asked two questions: Are you afraid of dying? Is that fear why you’re still here?

As to the fear question, the short answer is yes, but it’s more complicated than that. However, that fear is not why I’m still alive. But that question certainly got me thinking… Why am I still here?

I think what I hate most of all is having to deal with all of this in the first place. I don’t want to have to deal with suicide. I don’t want to have to deal with death. But I must because I have something else I have to deal with, something I never wanted to deal with, something I wish I never had: life.

But, oh, how I so do not want to deal with any of this! I want to be spared from life, but in order to do that I must face suicide. However, I also want to be spared from suicide. But if I turn from suicide, I’m back to facing life!

Suicide seems like the better deal. It’s certainly shorter in duration. And that aspect makes this debate seem so simple. However, every ounce of my instinct cries out, “Don’t do it! Stay alive! Stay alive at all costs!” To which, internally, I reply, “Why?” But these cries supply no reasons for they cannot. They stem from a mindless drive to persist. I can push them aside through further questioning, yet still they shout. Is it fear that halts me and makes me listen? I honestly don’t know. All I know is that they’re not easy to ignore.

But neither are my own anguished pleas. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be anywhere. I simply do not want to be. And I don’t have to be. This can all stop. Go. Just get this over with.

An exit is indeed available, but it requires a lot of effort to go through. And it’s effort that I wish I didn’t have to exert. I was thrust into this life unaware. I’ll echo a previous commenter and say that the best that could happen now is to at least exit unaware as well. But beyond some outside chance, that’s not going to happen. And so I return once more to the choice forced into my hands.

But as I said, I despise this choice. And though I can’t avoid it entirely, what I can do is postpone it. By stringing together enough distractions, I can, in effect, kill myself for a day. I can get lost in the story of a book or a show. I can go on long hikes at a brisk enough pace that it’s too hard to form coherent thoughts. I can be absorbed in a game and forget that I even exist.

Though obtaining nonexistence for a day is much easier than committing suicide, it is, of course, only temporary. Reality can only be avoided for so long. And I know a day will come when I cannot (or will not) postpone this choice anymore. So as I kill time, I also plot my demise. I really want an ideal-as-possible suicide method, so I’m taking the opportunity to search for it. Ultimately, I want to get to a point where I have an effective method ready to go at a moment’s notice. Then, whenever it’s easier to kill myself than to keep dragging it out, I’ll be able to jump at the chance.

Now, to specifically address the question of fear:

A big fear of mine is not of death/dying but rather a failed attempt that results in further problems (whether those are physical, mental, or even social). Thus, I want a method that’s as reliable as possible while still taking into account my other requirements. This fear can be minimized through preparation and experimentation, but I’m not sure it can be removed entirely.

Am I afraid of the actual process of dying? If I have to be conscious during it, then, yes. This is certainly more of a worry now that the hyperventilation plus water method has been ineffective for me. What was most appealing to me about that method was that it was testable; you could try it out beforehand without any adverse effects. It was also very controllable; many other means of causing unconsciousness simply introduce too many variables for my liking. I’m still looking for a way to induce unconsciousness that appears accidental, but I may forego that requirement if it comes down to it.

Am I afraid of death itself? Yes and no. It’s weird. I suppose it’s innately inside of me, but when I think about it, it makes no sense. A fear of death is a fear of the loss of future days. However, I’m not exactly craving future days, so this fear seems odd to me. I suppose it could also be a fear of the unknown, but since I’m no longer religious, I no longer care, so this is also odd to me. I do fear the effect my death will have on friends and family, especially if it’s apparent my death is a suicide. This one is tough to deal with because I have no desire to torment my loved ones. However, I also cannot continue to torment myself, so there appears to be no nice solution for this one.

While my fears may make me pause, they are not preventing me from taking action if the need arises. It’s more a matter of ease. Killing one day at a time is currently easier than killing myself. The moment that changes, I hope I’m armed with an effective method and ready to act.

About Kefka P

49 Responses to Thoughts on Suicide, Fear, and Life

  1. The Nameless One says:

    Very heartfelt and moving post. This – “I want to be spared from life, but in order to do that I must face suicide. However, I also want to be spared from suicide. But if I turn from suicide, I’m back to facing life!” – resonated particularly with me. I hope you find the peace you are looking for someday. It’s sad that we have life forced on us without any say in the matter . . . I guess the best we can do barring suicide is to not have children so they won’t have to go through the same rigmarole.

  2. acidribcage says:

    Throughout a bit of my life, I also contemplated many ideas such as these. I found that one of my biggest fears was the continuation of a meaningless life. As an atheist, I had no idea of a great paradise, or fiery doom to fear, so that was off the table. However, through talking to loved ones, I realized that (brace for the cheese festivities) making them smile made me happy. To watch the people I care about laugh and talk (about anything) made me feel like I had a purpose. In your case, I shall not tell you what to do with your life (as I am not the one living it), however, I did find peace through others. I never voiced my thoughts to them, as I didn’t want them to worry, but sometimes just sharing a coffee and laughing about our troubles made them seem less troublesome after all. Not sure if this sparked anything, but either way I wish you nothing but the best.

    • ACPhilosopher says:

      Good point, acidribcage. I was able to use that survival strategy for a very long time, taking comfort in the relationships I had with my mom and my sisters. Those relationships helped me weather everything. But unfortunately, my mom and my sisters all three died in the past two years. It’s as if they held a secret meeting outside my awareness and decided to leave me behind en masse.

      When loved ones start dying on you, it really brings home the emptiness of everything we value in this world. So hard to accept that my mom and my sisters were just temporary phenomenon passing through this world, like sparks that fly out of a fire and then disappear without a trace.

  3. anonymous says:

    I’ve recently done my first experiment with heroin. It was a bit unlike what I was expecting from this drug, but still encouraging as a suicide means. Would you like me to write the details? L.

  4. mournme says:

    I just found your site. Needless to say, I love it. Unfortunately. 😉 As far as death goes…I have a real fear of dying without the fear of being dead.

  5. rach says:

    I’m not afraid of being dead or dying peacefully/instantly but I do fear a torturous death. I’m trapped in life it doesn’t matter how much I’d like to go. I have animals depending on me and they’d be helpless if I left. I wish the sun would explode and put an end to all of us, that would be good. I’ve decided the best I can do, since I’m trapped in life, is author a book one day encouraging antinatalism and animal rights as I await my own demise.

  6. anonymous says:

    I may not kill myself that soon anymore after all. I think I have a duty to animals:

    • hittingback says:

      I’m pleasantly surprised to come across your comment… that’s exactly what I grew up thinking. I never could understand the point of having a life, so I chose to use it to help out animals. Thing is, I’ve realized nothing I can do is going to put an end to all the abuse humankind subjects them to. I guess everybody needs something to make them live on, and something to do while they’re at it. Just lost the one thing that made me want to live on, and to keep on working, doing the one thing I know that’s worth doing- helping animal kind… that’s simply beyond me all of a sudden. I wish you success, buddy, and hope you always retain the thing that makes you want to live on:)

  7. Suicide Advocate says:

    Oh, I love it! I love you, even though I don’t think you love me, since you don’t even know me, but I’m getting sidetracked . . . I completely relate to everything you say, and I think the best thing would be to have a stylish steampunk gas-maskk hooked up to a tank of pure nitrous oxide laughing gas, then make sure the mix has no oxygen, it would not only be painless, but feel SO GOOD, and an extremely happy state of saying goodbye. I don’t know where to get this stuff, and I probably shouldn’t be incriminating myself – so I meant to say someone who isn’t me. Whatever. FML.

  8. Hey kefka, you loveable madman, we’re trying to start a new AN forum:

    Come check it out!

  9. ACPhilosopher says:

    It’s such a relief to know that someone else feels the same way I do from day to day. I’ve felt this way for most of my life, but have to stay in the closet about it in order to hold a job and avoid the unwanted scrutiny of other people.

    As a defensive measure in this culture of coercive positive thinking and optimism, I paste a happy smile on my face and behave in a socially acceptable manner all day at work. Then I come home and take refuge in Web sites like yours that help me maintain a sense of balance in this schizophrenic culture of denial. The religious delusions are, in and of themselves, enough to make sane people feel like they’re living in a psych ward.

  10. brosfoley says:

    I so relate to everything u wrote. I don’t want to be here I don’t want life either n if I could just find a way to get out of this body this life that would be an undetectable painless method I have no hesitation. Hope u find peace we all deserve it

  11. Liz says:

    I’ve been thinking a lot about karma, and reincarnation and other Buddhist aspects recently…and I am starting to believe that suicide will most likely only put you in a worse state than you already are; you will be reincarnated into another painful state…which is kind of devastating news for the one who really wants to commit suicide. Me, I am in living hell but still too afraid to go through with it

    • vishu says:

      I’m all smiles as I type, coz that’s exactly what I’ve been thinking about off late- karma and reincarnation, despite having been an atheist all my life. But I know why- it’s related to why I seek an exit. I lost the ones that made me want to live and there’s a lot left unfinished. I’ve had to endure life for a while now, just so I can effectively end it- Don’t want to botch my own suicide:) But that’s meant hours of wearing a mask of composure and hours of pain and longing for what I’ve lost. Obviously, all I want is to get rid of the pain asap and to be able to be with the ones I’ve lost. Wishful thinking, I know, but I’d love to have been wrong in my views all my life if it means I can reunite with the ones I love. Even if something like a benevolent, all loving god exists, I don’t think I deserve being punished for loving someone a little too much. And then, who sez we wont get run over or shot at a month or more hence? Fate, karma, god… they’re still gonna act out their whims eventually. Lets just do what’s in our hands and hope it turns out alright:)

    • rachel says:

      Friend I am in the exact same condition. I have wanted to commit suicide since I was a toddler. I am not afraid to put a gun to my head and pull the trigger. The thought of “what comes next” is the horror. What comes next….do I wake up screaming in a hospital with half my face blown off? Or, horror of horrors, do I wake up in hellfire? What is the purpose of suicide if you wake up in a worse- even infinitely worse- state than you were in before you did it? I know I can’t bear the thought of being in a worse state that I’m in presently. At least here on this earth I can go to sleep and get a drink of water….what if I off myself and end up in a place where I can’t even do those things. I think one of these days in the coming years I’ll have my wish to be set free. I always have these freakish, vivid dreams of a man shooting me through the chest while I’m in hospital. My murderer, my deliverer. It seems like fate calling to me “hold on… want to die….you’ll get your wish one of these days”. Friend I hope that all of us wanting to die will get our wish granted and find the peace and freedom that we need. In the meantime you have my sympathies, I am in the exact same hopeless state of despair and things will not improve.

      • vishu says:

        I’ve tried, but I can’t follow… just because you don’t see what life’s for ain’t good enough a reason you’d consider offing yourself (no offense meant) I might be wrong, but I guess you’re taking the scriptures n karma stuff a little too seriously… Do you really think if there’s a higher power and it created you for a certain purpose, it’d allow you to think on the lines you are thinking right now? What purpose would that serve? if u do believe in fate, what’s meant to happen will happen, right? so why worry about it?
        I was never thankful for my life- i don’t remember ever having asked for it:) but i could always find things to fill my time whilst still being prepared for, looking forward to dying, and it’s been years without incidence 😦 Now that I really do have a reason, i envy you… getting a gun’s so damn hard around here! If you’re worried about ending up in a hospital, just search the net to find how to aim it right. But i still feel you should try and find happiness if it’s at all possible, commit to life.

  12. badguardian says:

    Im feeling the same as you do. Its really hard to overcome the instinct to life… :O maybe we dont want to be dead?

  13. Gren says:

    thx 4 such an insightful posting.

  14. Giordano says:

    Hi, I’ve been writing about Antinatalism on my blog!

  15. Greg Weber says:

    Yes, I am afraid of dying. I’m also afraid of what, if anything, comes next. As others here have said, what if we end up someplace WORSE than the painful place we committed suicide to escape from?

  16. Awakened says:

    I can so relate to this article…

    Since I managed to move out of my mom’s house last year, I’m no longer under surveilance of any kind. Which means I might actually pull it off this time.

    Here’s the plan I have: I live by the sea-shore, and one beach has this fallen WW2 pillbox that gets frozen over in winter.
    1) Wait till winter to freeze to death
    2) Hide in said bunker – Less chance of discovery, chance of drowning if i fall face down into the water inside, which in turn means faster hypothermia
    3) Eat absoultely nothing 2 weeks prior and drink only distilled water – This will greatly weaken the body, quite possibly killing you as well (Distilled water apparently tears appart your cells if you drink it regularly)
    4) Buy some hard liquor to speed up hypothermia and limit chance of wussing out
    5) Walk to said beach by foot (~15km) to increase fatigue and further weaken constitution
    6) Once inside the bunker pop a pack of sleeping pills and drink up the booze. DO NOT VOMIT.
    7) If everything goes according to plan, all that is left is to undress and wait.

    It may not be perfect, but I’ve research tons of other methods as well, and I’ve came to the conclusion that using just *one* thing will never cut it.

  17. Liz says:

    Is Kefka gone for good..?

  18. Fellow Ponderer says:

    Are you still alive, Kefka?

  19. Sai says:

    I don’t know if you’re still around or not Kefka, seeing as you haven’t posted in over a year I’m gonna assume you found peace one way or another. Dunno why I’m posting a comment on a forum post that may or may not be read by anyone but I guess I just have some thoughts I want to pass along. I’ve always felt as if I was out of time and place in this world, that things weren’t quite right and I didn’t belong. I could talk to people and feel what I thought was love for them, but I find they move as easily from my mind as what I had for breakfast last week. Constant problems with authority, going out of my way to make people happy believing that I could devote my life to serving others, yet others didn’t want me or what I have to offer. This corrupt world seems to want to only destroy itself…Perhaps self-destruction is hard-wired into us as a species. I’ve often dreamt of the blackness beyond, of the great unknown, and in some ways I look at it as the greatest adventure in self-exploration. My life has been full, and I’ve done more than most people could ever hope to do, I’ve influenced others for the better and believe I’ve done more good than bad for the world, or at least tried to. I try to think about my family and friends suffering at my loss, but in my experience people are content to just let you fall away when you no longer have a purpose to them. At my core I think I’m incapable of ever functioning the way I have to survive in this world. I’m not sure how many people will read this, or how many will believe me when I say I am attempting my journey tonight and am preparing for it even as I type this. Even before reading this blog I decided on drowning, I live in an area with lots of readily available water, and I’ve always loved aquatic life…If I succeed, no one on here will ever know save for the few that believe my sincerity. If I don’t, then I’ll report my findings here. To quote my favorite author Robert Jordan “Let the dragon ride again on the winds of time”

  20. R. says:

    Good luck Sai, I hope you find the peace you deserve

  21. Liz says:

    Am I the only one popping by every now and then, wondering where Kefka has gone..?

  22. ishanatmuz says:

    Reblogged this on Enriching Myself and commented:
    This is what I stumbled upon today. The thing that I liked about it is that it expresses the fear of suicide more clearly than I have ever seen. I generally cave in by saying that I am afraid of suicide because of what will happen to others in my life after me? It is definitely a factor, a big factor I can say. The way I think of it, won’t it be easier for them, if my suicide didn’t looked like suicide but looked like an accident. It will be easier for them to accept the truth then. It will be less painful. The pain of knowing that your son, your brother, your husband killed himself is more than knowing that he died because of an accident(traffic, electrocution any accident). But is that all? Is that the only factor of the fear of suicide. No it’s not. The post expresses, my thoughts more clearly than I have the courage to do so myself. And YES I say the courage to express my feelings toward suicide. Because it’s a little weird, even though I think of dying, even though I think of committing suicide, I fear in expressing my true feelings. And I think it’s because of what anyone would think of me. It’s weird at one hand I think of dying and on the other hand I am ashamed in admitting my true feelings about it and thus cave in and lie.

  23. CravingForNonExistence says:

    I sincerely hope that Kefka finally found peace. I am seeking the road of freedom as well after gradually becoming more aware of the lack of meaning in existence throughout my life. Living a life of working to shop and shopping to live is not desirable in the slightest bit. Not to mention dealing with an intolerable chronic illness (leaky bowel syndrome).

    We fellow antinatalists are the true seekers of peace. While the world struggles to ensure the worst possible destiny imaginable for itself, we, who did not consent to life in the first place, struggle to find the exit in this massive shopping mall of hell.

    It is truly an extremely bizarre reality we unfortunately live in, isn’t it? Like on one hand you have alcohol-addicted inbreeders who keep screaming “individualism! individualism!”, and then on the other hand they label all those who cannot and or do not want to shop and work in “Casino Earth” as mentally ill.

    The Dictionary of Actions for Modern Societies – Intoxicated Breeder Edition:

    Committing suicide: A selfish action taken by an individual who is not of “sound mind”.

    Killing foreigners while working for the military: A patriotic and self-less action that desires a medal and all your health benefits to be cut when you come back because we love you so much.

    It is even worse having someone tell you that you are mentally ill when they themselves drive automobiles that pollute the air and poison their lungs

    I wonder if the reason for the big push of anti-suicide movements is solely because the government just wants more tax payers. It’s like they are afraid that if they make death too easy and peaceful, not many people will see living as worthwhile. In fact, I doubt they actually care for any sort of apparent “mental health”. As long as you are functioning in the system, they are completely fine with you, even if you are exploiting weaker foreign markets for cheap labour.

    It’s like we live in an inverted insane asylum floating somewhere in the darkest reaches of the Twilight Zone.

    May peace be with you all.

  24. Hasp says:

    There are still people like me looking through this blog. Since it’s now been two years sincd Kefka’s last post, I think we can assume that he has found peace. Kefka may be missed, but he will not pitied. Thanks for sharing your views with us, Kefka.

  25. Lisa says:

    I know this post is from a few years back but I’m wondering if you’re still here? Please let me know. 💛

  26. Jacee West says:

    Just found this blog while researching hyperventilation, blacking out, etc, as a possible suicide method. I assume Kefka (a fellow FF fan!) found a successful method. I really enjoy his writing style and can relate so much, as well as to many of those who have made comments. Why can’t I have met some of you in real life? Maybe you’re there, but behind a mask. Seeing glimpses of the more like-minded here will have to do, I guess.

  27. A wandering dot says:

    I ripped the Final Fantasy VI Original Soundtrack CDs just a handful days ago… and of course, Kefka’s track ranked among my favourites, when I relistened to the whole album.

    Final Fantasy VI’s Kefka: lucky they who don’t understand him. Lucky they who don’t notice that, when he is “defeated” at last, the last sound heard is his air-piercing laughter.
    As in: you can defeat THIS Kefka, but not Kefka’s meaning.

    I hope you are still alive, blog owner.

  28. Sister of Liz says:

    It’s so hard to read all this. I’m the sister of the commenter “Liz”. I found this website going through her e-mail.

    I knew she was at times suicidal and made a few attempts to end her life. It was hard not being able to help her with how she felt. I think in the last couple of years she became more “calm” and more into spirituality, karma and hinduism that she mentioned.

    Now she’s gone. Ironically it was not suicide that ended her life. She died suddenly a couple of months ago of a brain tumor, only 32 years of age. I will always miss her and love her. I hope she rests in peace now. It is painful for me to go through this loss, but it would have been even worse if I would have found her dead body in the water. I’m really glad she didn’t take her own life.

    I also struggle with dark moments and I can definitely understand Kefka’s reasoning but I personally keep thinking life is worth living. Life’s such a weird experience and short compared to the existance of the universe. And somehow you are at this point in time consious. It’s either incredibly rare and accidental that you are here on earth, a sphere floating in the vacuum of space or maybe you’ve lived many lives before and there is an almighty power. Shouldn’t it be worth investigating?

    I always envied Liz’s fearlessness, it made her take more chances, risks and live life more fully. I’m not trying to preach, just offer a couple of thoughts that could be of interest: If you’re thinking of suicide and you’re not afraid to die, why not take a risk and live life to the fullest of your extent? If Life is meaningless, then why would it matter what other people say or if they judge you? If you don’t have money, don’t be ashamed to ask for help. Don’t be so hard on yourself, get rid of people who make you feel bad about yourself and your situation. Work on yourself, try to find out why you have certain thought patterns and outlooks on life. Try something new, find something that motivates you, find something meaningful for you to do, however small or insignificant it may seem. If you can’t find that something, just hold on a little longer, maybe it will come to you. Love ❤

    • VoiceOfReason says:

      In my country you would have to take up smoking and get terminal lung cancer in order for the State to permit you to end your life. Come to think of it, that is something I have yet to try. Thank you for your excellent words of wisdom.

      “God Bless”.

  29. Name says:

    Just doing my yearly piligrimage here

  30. MikeDNC says:

    IMHO the “Ideal” method of a painless death is breathing any nontoxic atmosphere that lacks oxygen. The lack of oxygen induces unconsciousness after a few seconds. (As an aside, it would clearly be the most humane and reliable method of death penalty; but we know humans).

    Now, “nontoxic” is not a huge deal with unsconciousness coming so soon. Nevertheless, the gases that fit this bill are the so-called noble gases — helium, nitrogen, neon, argon, krypton, or xenon.

    Argon is cheap and dense, so it will sink and stay in any windless space. Same for *cold* nitrogen gas. Or any gas could simply be hooked up to a full-face scuba mask.

    Hope this helps someone! Peace for all.

    • MikeDNC says:

      Actually, this could be done without a mask, anywhere that the face can be kept stably under water.

      All one needs is their gas tank (with regulator and hose), and a way to pin oneself underwater,
      One could lie facedown in a bathtub, wearing a heavy, tight backback. Or deep water, putting the tank into the backpack.

      Once one can lie limply underwater, begin breathing the gas. You’ll pass out after a few breaths, and then consciousness will never be regained as long as no air finds its way to the face.

      The body will calmly attempt to breathe water. At some point this will stop, and after 10-15 minutes, all parts of the brain will be permanently checked-out.

      If done indoors, a window should be opened, for anyone who comes.

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